Scrolling through my blogs today, I found that somehow this picture got uploaded to my old blog...and it belongs on this one. Looking at the picture, I can't help but think that I actually look happy! And that's hard for me to believe since I know at the time of this picture I had just spent three days in labor (not hard labor for all of it), had already had an iv "attempted" inserted into my arm over a half dozen times before actually finding a vein--something I was none too thrilled with--had had my mother try to tell me what I should and should not do in my own hospital room while I was in labor (because one of things was annoying HER of all things: having an oil burner with a pleasing scent (to ME) going to help me relax), and had just really recently suffered a third degree tear--down there--whatever that means except a LOT of pain. Also, and this was something nobody told me till later, had given birth to a blue daughter...the umbilical cord having wrapped itself around her neck when she was coming out and it was preventing her breathing well. But here, in this one moment of glory, somehow, holding my daughter (that had been the source of a seriously deep and daunting depression for the previous nine months), I felt ok...I think.
My daughter was born on April 29th, 2013 at 15:43, with the assist of a wonderful red haired nurse named Erin, and my doctor (who I was less than impressed with the majority of the pregnancy--but what are you gonna do when your insurance limits your choices?)...neither of whom thought I was actually going to make it through the labor without the assist of drugs for the pain, or without having to be forced into a c-section...neither of which were in my birth plan.
I didn't know on that day what kind of a mother I would be, or even really what kind I wanted to be (except that I knew I wanted to be more like my friend Sooz than like my own mother), but I did know that with the arrival of my beautiful baby, my life was forever changed.
Seeing her for the first time...I would like to say was magical or the best thing ever, but literally the first thing I thought was ewww...she's all gross and covered in goo! But even still my Bradley Method training and doula were there in my head telling me that the best thing for her was to be on my chest and stomach immediately after birth. So I held her, gooey and covered in white gunk for a long time before I would even let the nurse weigh her, or let anyone else hold her. But I did realize something as soon as I saw her: her name was not Moirenn, as I had desired to call her, her name was Scarlett! *Note* Even now she corrects people when they call her anything besides Scarlett, and she's only two! "No, Scarlyotta," (as my dad likes to call her as a nickname) she says, "name is Scar-Wett!", and she points at herself.
But back to her birthdate...I remember saying to my mother as she was almost all the way out, "You're about to see your granddaughter get born." And I remember looking at my friend Ron, who was my helper through the pregnancy and birth, hoping he'd reassure me that I could get through the last little part. Maybe I said something to him too, but I don't remember what it might have been. But I do remember that, after the nurse had forcibly inserted an internal monitor into my abdomen (which was very, VERY painful), and she said the contractions would get worse for awhile (and they DID!!), that Ron was able to help me get through them. I had reached the point that I felt like I couldn't take the pain anymore, and was telling him that "I give up, just give me the meds...I can't take this". And all he did was calmly ask me, a couple times (one of which reminding me HOW they give the meds--a spinal tap!!) if I was sure that that's what I wanted...and I thought about it--in between contractions--realized that it was NOT what I wanted, and was able to convince myself to just try to make it a little longer. And a little longer made it to where I didn't need them at all.
The other thing I remember is at one point I was falling asleep in between contractions (though I didn't realize it cuz I thought they were just going nonstop, and this made others believe that when it came time to actually deliver that I would be too tired to do anything), and the pain was so intense that I thought I couldn't bear it, but since they were shorter and my body seemed to be twitching at the end the contraction--which seemed to make it feel better--and I kept saying why can't I just get a break in between these?, that finally a nurse or doctor one told me to stop pushing...
"How can I stop doing something that I'm not doing?" I thought to myself then said out loud...and of course the nurse/doctor said that I was doing it. Then finally I said that I couldn't NOT do it, so they "checked" me again, and decided that I was actually ready for delivery...finally! Then not twenty minutes later, Scarlett arrived into the world. And the first thing I wanted to do was EAT!!! So Ron went and got us Vietnamese food from the best place in Reno (about an hour or two later). Of course, eating was NOT the first thing I did...instead I held my baby girl and tried to get her to nurse.
The End of the Beginning.
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